Earthdog (earthdog) wrote,
Earthdog
earthdog

Fake Resume

I complained to Antwon that I did not want to work on my resume. He offered to write my resume for me. This is what he wrote for me.


Rich Thomas
Objective:
To be accepted as god among men, commandeering armies and putting said forces toward my own material ends.

Skills:
I wrote “Of Mice and Men”. Was nominated for Peabody award; lost out to Vulcan Hippies who had unique interpretation of Woodstock.

Invented time travel. By using time travel, went back in time; invented bacon bits, toothpaste, Calvinism.

Have discovered no fewer than 1800 shades of the color blue deep within the Amazon Basin, many of which has been assumed to be extinct.

Got honorary doctorate from University of Southeastern Phoenix, Martian Campus.

Have set numerous national records regarding the consumption of tapioca.

Work history:
2004-present
Invented nanite delivery system for NASA. Created different flavors (e.g., French vanilla, chipotle) to maximize nanite uptake and astronaut acceptability thereof. Discovered optimal strategy to ensure gray goo problem affected Commies, Cuban sympathizers. Made inroads towards creating exciting laptop version of said nanites. Programming languages used: Perl; Lisp; Tuvalu click-oriented throat clasping.

2001-2004:
Herded plantation of cats in Australian Outback, Managed feline teams in excess of 400. Ensured maximum cuddly-wuddliness, minimum hairballs. Created pithy PowerPoint presentations correlating feline throughput to various external factors.

January 18, 2001:
Built Rome. Took only one day. Achieved goal through careful foreplanning, copious Mafia contacts, creatively interpreting OSHA standards. (Length that hastily built Rome lasted available upon request.)

1988-2000:
Invented novelty banana slug products. Was tougher than you might think.
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