Earthdog (earthdog) wrote,
Earthdog
earthdog

I Am 33

Yesterday was my 33rd birthday. As an adult having a birthday is not like having birthday as a child. As a child my birthday was about me. I got to make the call about things. I could make the call and the rest of my family would go along with it. I did not need to counter balance what my brothers and sisters wanted. There were always people around to celebrate with also. As a child, all of these things happen without having to put much effort into it.

As an adult I have to put effort into my birthday. If people are going to celebrate it is because I get them together. I know that this is one of the differences between being an adult and a child. Being on the west coast on my birthday makes me miss my family.

I went out with a friend the night before my birthday, but it is not the same. I am happy that there was someone there for me. It was just very low key. I know it was low key because of the way I have been feeling lately, but it would have been nice for someone to make a fuss about my birthday. I guess I get to call the shots everyday in my adult life so it takes something different to make my birthday exciting.

My birthday means the year is about half over. A friend of mine used to do her year summary every year on her birthday. I did this for a while when I kept a private journal. It seemed like the right time to do it.

Now that I keep a blog I am not sure summing up the year means the same thing. If you want a recap of my last year you can read my archives. I know that some blogger do a year in review on the blog anniversary. I can never seem to remember to do that.

There has been a lot that has happened in the last year, but my life does not feel that different. Many of the things that happened I am not about to talk about here. Most of the really important things can never reach the blog.

There is one thing I can share. For the whole time I was 32 years old I did not go on a date. No only did I not go on any dates, I did not know anyone who I could go on a date with. I seem to be getting further away from single people. If any of the people around me are single, I do not know about it.

Looking at the next year of my life, I feel that there are parts of my world that are underdeveloped. I need to examine this things and take action. I know that this is a hard idea. I do a sufficient job at the day to day management of my life. I am just very bad at the long term aspects. I need to do a better job with the aspects of maintance.

For much of the weekend around my birthday I was depressed. I felt that I fit poorly into my life. I felt lost and anchorless and trapped at the same time. I felt like I am isloated from people most of the time. I felt like I did not understand my own life. It is not the way I want to feel around my birthday.

I do not feel that way right now. I always find it hard to deconstruct those feelings when I am not having them. The problem is that when I am in the best mindset to deal with those problems, I cannot figure out what those problems out.

What I know is that I am 33 years old. I have no defined goals for the next year of my life. I have no idea what to expect from the next year. I have no real idea of how to guide my life in the next year. I feel that all I can do from here is look into the future.
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