Earthdog (earthdog) wrote,
Earthdog
earthdog

Throwing my Mitre into the ring

I wanted to make it official: I am entering the race to become the next pope. I qualify to be Pope. I know that most people think that you must be a Cardinal to be Pope. All you need to be is Roman Catholic, male, and single. I happen to be all those things.

This is going out to all the Cardinals who read Sad Salvation. Your Eminences, I would bring a fresh outlook to the Vatican. I bring a skill set that none of the earlier Popes had. I am a great troubleshooting and I know how technology can help the church. Just imagine sending my papal addresses around the world via BitTorrent. Do you know how much publicity it would generate to make and unknown person like me Pope? It would be a total media frenzy.

I know you are saying there are lots of reasons I should not be Pope. I do not know Latin, I am an American, and I have not attended mass regularly for years. Let's look at all these things as opportunities. I am an outsider. Many times bringing in an outsider can really help an organization. After the church scandals of the last few years, an outsider would be above reproach.

I am a man of vision and integrity. That is just what the Roman Catholic Church needs right now. I can see the future and lead the church there. People all over the world will check daily for updates to the Papel Blog. We could start a whole Vatican blog ring. People will feel like they really know the inner workings of the church. It will be a new age for the church.

More than anything else, there is no way I could worry about following up John Paul II. No one would ever compare me to him. I do not have to worry about being stuck in his shadow. The next Pope you pick after me will also come out looking good.

Send an e-mail to your favorite Cardinal right now and tell them Rich Thomas is their man to be the next Pope.
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