Earthdog (earthdog) wrote,

State of my Heart Address 2005

Once again I stand here and bare witness to my love life, such as it is. My love life does not change all that much, but my understanding of my love life is ever changing. My life moves on even if I have no love to share it with.

In the past year nothing happened. I really mean that nothing happened. Not only did I not have any relationships, I did not have any crushes or any real interest in any women. It was a total lack of action. I did not extend myself to a woman and no woman extended herself to me.

I have not been putting myself in places where I would meet women. I have no confidence in my ability to gauge a woman's interest in me. This makes looking for a relationship in public settings very hard. I often come off as being desperate just because I am showing interest. I end up frustrated by my inability to put my efforts to good use. I feel like I have spent my time chasing the wrong things.

I only did one activity this year with an eye on meeting single women. I met a few single women, but none of them seemed interested in a relationship. I should say that none of them seemed interested in me. Once I got there I felt that I was really pushing when I tried to flirt with these women. I felt if I treated the get-togethers as singles events, I was violating the spirit of the activity.

I currently have a policy for women. If they come to me, Fine. If they don't come to me, Fine. I am not going out of my way to try to meet them. Over the last few years all of my efforts to try to meet women have been fruitless. The only thing that has worked is having a friend try to set me up. It seems like none of my other friends are willing or able to do that for me.

I know that lots of people say that my current policy just guarantees that I will not meet anyone. They will tell me that the only way to meet new people is to try to meet new people. If I really want to meet someone I have to make real effort.

These people might be right. I want to just focus on the rest of my life. If an opportunity presents itself that is great. I just do not want to ruin myself by focusing on something I have so little control over. I know from my last relationship that I am not looking for something to cling to. I am looking for the person to fall in love with. To be honest I think I need to work on myself before I am ready to be in love with someone else.

A friend has offered to do a love spell for me. She told me that everyone she has ever done a love spell for has found someone as a result of a spell. It might not be the first spell she casts, but it happens eventually. She says that some of these people have been very hard to match but the spell still worked.

I am hesitant to take her up on this. She warned me that the spell might work, but it tends to disrupt people's lives. She refers to the spelling ripping people away from their lives to start this relationship. I am not hesitant because I think the spell will not work. I am hesitant because I think it might. I am still Catholic enough to think I should not mess with those forces. How ethical would it be to do these things? Would it have any long term effect on the relationship?

My long term forecast is that next year I will still be on my own. I do not see any relationships on the horizon. I can envision all of 2005 being like 2004. I am fine with that. While I would like to share some of my life with someone, but am not sure I can do it on any terms but my own for right now. I know that does not lead to a healthy relationship. It looks like I can only see more of the same from here.

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