November 4th, 2002

candy heart

Saturday Night is Alright

I went to a party Saturday Night. I was not in a really good mood before I went. I was pissed at myself for all the time I had wasted on Saturday. I spent most of my day sleeping. When I was not in bed I was watching TV or surfing the WWW. I was a little depressed because many of my weekends feel this way. I tell myself I am going to get some writing done and end up goofing off. It has tended to put me in a bad mood lately.

I decided to go to the party despite the bad mood. I was not expecting to put myself in a better mood, but anything is possible. I went because I thought there was some chance of salvage Saturday. I had also been looking forward to showing off my mask.

As you might figure out it was a costume party. It is the second time I have gone to a party at this house. This is not my normal group of friends. The woman who threw the party is a friend in a mainly electronic fashion. I have met some of these people once or twice before. I do not remember the names of most of them.

During the party it struck me that I was having a really hard time striking up conversations with people. I am not sure if it was the mask or if was something else. I did notice that the mask changed my view on reality. It was hard to see out it at times. I was wondering if it also made it hard for me to communicate with other people.

andrewjthomas was also at the party. We talked a little about not doing well starting conversations. He told me it was because it was not my kind of crowd. I could not geek out with them on their topics like Ren Faire, LARPs, SCA. Those things are not my scene. I guess he has some point.

I also feel a bit older then most of the crowd. A lot of the people kicking around the party seemed a lot younger to me. In part parties are not a great place for conversation. I guess I am at an age where I like to slow it down even a little more then that. I want to try to communicate with people on a smaller setting.

When I left the party, I was in no better mood then when I got there. Actually I think I was in a worse mood. There were a lot of very attractive women at this party. I tried talking to some of them, but I had no luck. I felt defeated because I could not bridge that gap. I really think there is something in side of my that they could have connected with, but I was not sure how to show them that thing.

This made me feel really lonely on my drive home. It was that deep and think loneliness that strikes on Saturday nights. I wanted to go home and drink until dawn. I wanted to pound on my computer keyboard until I felt better. I wanted to write about my exposed soul.

The long drive gave me time to feel better. I was ready to just go to sleep by the time I got back to my apartment.